When couples are told that they need to communicate more they often think that it is an open invitation to talk but there is a complete difference between talking and communicating.
What Does healthy Communication look like?
Communication is the art of combining the ability to express your opinions and feelings in such a way as to ensure that the person or people you are talking to understand what you are trying to say with the ability to listen and understand the other person’s viewpoint.
Over the years it’s amazing the number of times people are provided with information that, if acted upon, could positively impact their relationship. But, because of the sheer lack of people’s ability to listen to and think through another person’s point of view, unique opportunities pass them by.
Relationships are no different to the work environment other than there are, usually, just two of you. Often, what could be a marriage made in heaven is destroyed by the sheer inability to communicate. The most successful relationships are those where both parties have strong verbal and listening skills.
The Problem with Poor Communication
Many relationship problems begin with poor communication. Couples often feel that their partner should know what they are thinking and how they feel so they do not communicate and then wonder why they feel neglected and undervalued.
How many people decide not to tell their partner something just because they don’t know how to say it and then the problem just eats away at the relationship until there is no relationship left. What a waste! Just the ability to share a problem can make what seemed to be an insurmountable issue a tiny little blip on a large horizon.
So whenever you feel stressed or don’t know what to do, don’t just bottle it up. Talk about it, seek advice from a professional and listen to the answer. Don’t stay quiet when you know in your heart there is a problem and it has to be aired. Don’t put off tomorrow what needs to be sorted today. Remember tomorrow never comes!
Think before your speak!
It’s not what you say, but how you say it that could ruin a relationship. The wrong way to share your feelings is when you blurt something out that you know might aggravate or distress your partner. The last thing you want is for them to get defensive, burst into floods of tears, and storm off.
You want the person you are trying to communicate with to be open and perceptive. To achieve this, your timing and approach have to be right.
Each person is different. What works for one person may not work for another. For some people, all you can do is sow the seed and give them time to work it out for themselves.
Each person is an individual. Be patient and understand the right approach for you and your partner. Ensure that you never start a discussion if you don’t have time to finish it. Don’t insist on a debate if one of you is busy, one of you has to rush off to work, deal with the kids, or your partner’s relaxing in front of the TV watching their favorite TV program.
If the timing never seems to be right, ask the question ‘when would it be a good time for us to just sit down and talk?’
Whatever you do, do not let yourself appear agitated either in what you say or how you say it. Body language can just as easily put your partner on the defensive as what you say to them. Even if your partner is vying for a fight, just don’t react. Remember, the first golden rule, approaching defensive with defensive is a sure way to failure.
Become a Good Listener
One of the key ways to improve communication is to develop strong listening skills. Couples often fail to listen to what their partner has to say. They may interrupt them and give the impression that no matter what is said they won’t change their mind.
One way to ensure that you have listened and understand what your partner has said is to repeat back to them what you have heard. This will demonstrate that you have been listening to what they’ve said and by repeating it back to them, you can show that you comprehend and understand.
Couples can resolve conflicts quickly and easily when they take time to listen, understand and repeat back to their partner what was being said.
How to Bounce Back from Communication Challenges in your Marriage or Relationship?
Marriage and relationships come with their own set of challenges. You have two people from different walks of life, different life experiences working on building a life together. When you make your relationship a priority by doing the work, maybe working with a coach who can see your blind spots, then you create a beautiful marriage/relationship that you can be proud of.
When our relationship is in trouble because of poor communication it can cause stress to both partners. A small problem unattended can lead to bigger problems that could put the relationship at risk.
If you feel that your relationship issues are beginning to weigh heavily on your mind, take a break and do something you enjoy preferably with your partner. Refocus your attention on doing things together that you both love, then day-to-day issues will seem smaller and manageable.
Spending quality time together, enjoying each other’s company could enable you and your partner to recapture some of the lost feelings. You can put things into perspective. You can see things more clearly. Instead of fighting each other, you now solve your problems through healthy communication.
Are you making him a priority whilst he only sees you as an option?
Do you find yourself in any of these scenarios?
Do you put his needs before your own?
Do you find yourself doing all the work, trying to fix everything?
Are you still waiting for him, even though he has made it clear he is not looking for a relationship?
Does he only come around when he wants something from you?
Is he always too busy to be with you or take you out?
Time to take back your power, stop being an option in his life. You have to teach him how to treat you. When you know your value and your worth, one of two things will happen; either he will change, or you will change how you feel about him.
Here are five tips to avoid being an option and become a priority
Put Your Self-Care Needs First
‘When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.’
Stop focusing on trying to change him. Actions speak louder than words.
Do his words match his actions?
Don’t just listen to his words; his words need to be backed up by actions.
Decide that you deserve respect and will no longer accept poor treatment.
When you fall in love with yourself first, you will no longer settle for crumbs from a man.
Check-in with how you feel and your relationship goals – is this matching what you deserve?
Decide what you want from your relationship, don’t ‘fall’ into the trance settling for less than you deserve,
Remember, you are the modern-day Empress who values her happiness!
2. Stop doing all the work
Stop making phone calls and trying to fix everything. It is not your job to initiate things in your relationship – this is masculine behaviour that will push your man away.
Find out whether his behaviour matches your relationship blueprint. You won’t know that if you are meddling and doing all the work. Learn to lean back and let him come towards you. If he does not move towards you, you have your answer. He is not the one, or he is not ready for commitment. You decide what you will do with that information.
Don’t try to change him; accept that this is how he is, and make the decision that aligns with what will make you happy.
(Remember ‘a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still’). When you choose to do what makes you happy, he may decide to change, or you may lose interest in him.
3. Don’t wait around for him if he is not ready to commit
Is it working for him, but not for you?
Don’t wait around; understand that your time is precious. Your partner may be happy with the situationship as it is. He may not be ready to commit but still wants to enjoy all the benefits. Waiting around and meeting his needs won’t change him.
You are responsible for your happiness. You have to decide to take action. Do what makes you happy. Your partner may not be a bad person, but just being himself. When you choose your own happiness first, you will no longer be an option. You are living your best life with or without him.
When you choose to be happy, he will make you his priority, but if you decide to make him happy at the expense of your own happiness, he will treat you as an option.
4. Don’t be a doormat
If you feel like you’re being used and he only shows up when he needs something, you are being treated as an option and not a priority to him. You have to stop being at his beck and call and learn to say ‘no.’
You may feel that being there for him will make him want to commit to you someday, but this is unlikely to happen.
When you allow yourself to be used and get taken for granted, you teach him that you are not valuable. Men take care of what they value. You need to show him that you are a high-value woman that he can’t afford to lose, not just a doormat that is always there for him to use.
5. Spend quality time together
You should be spending quality time together enjoying each other’s company, making happy memories that bring you closer together. Time together is part of what makes your love grow and build the bond that keeps you strong as a couple. If he is too busy to see you, it may mean that he is not ready to be in a committed relationship with you. Busy people in love will rearrange their schedules to prioritise their love life.
What to do if you find yourself in any of these scenarios?
Decide what your relationship goals are. Decide what you are no longer willing to accept and longer tolerate. Don’t accept poor behaviour from your partner. Understand the feminine/masculine principle in relationships and attract the love you deserve.
You are the only one responsible for your happiness; you have the power to decide who gets to stay in your world. You are the director of your life. If you don’t like the direction of your story – change it!
Emotional clutter represents the past that manifests in the present – past hurts, toxic relationships, memories and fears.
When two people come together, they meet at the surface level. Usually, both parties are attracted to the physical aspect and each other’s personalities and exciting conversation. They have a soul connection and are drawn to the body and logical mind but have not yet been acquainted with the emotional mind, the part that can make a relationship or cause a breakup. The emotional mind stores all our emotions, good and bad, including our unhealed emotional wounds!
The relationSHIP vehicle – think of two people deciding to go on a journey choosing a vehicle of their choice. They can only take a certain amount of luggage with them; otherwise, the vehicle will be overloaded and may struggle to stay the course of the journey.
That’s what happens when we bring too much emotional clutter from our past into our relationship.
Some of our emotional clutter may even be ancestral (which we will look at in another post).
How does emotional clutter impact the self and the couple?
Emotional clutter does not usually surface at the beginning of the relationship during the honeymoon phase. Usually, this happens when you are more invested in the relationship, opening up and letting your partner into the deeper parts of yourself. Something gets triggered in one person in the relationship; they may behave unrecognisably to their partner. They seem unreasonable, cold, distant or may behave needily.
When emotional pain is triggered, that person may go into a trance. They may be feeling emotional, transported back to the past whilst being physically present. They may start to accuse their partner of things that has nothing to do with them, or they may behave in a way that may cause their partner to act in a particular manner that reminds them of a person from their past. Their partner may feel like they are being punished for someone else’s actions. At this point, both parties are operating in different ‘time zones’ or speaking other languages. Communication is non-existent at this time.
If this happens regularly, it may cause problems in the relationship; it may even destroy it.
8 Tips to clear emotional clutter?
There are different ways to clear emotional pain. The most important thing is that the person who has not healed has to have insight and realise they have a problem, and they MUST be ready to let go of it and release it. Without self-awareness and a willingness to heal, things will only get worse. Even if the couple split up, the wound will follow them into the new relationship. They will keep running into the same problems with others until they heal the wound that keeps bleeding.
To defuse the problem, the person has to work on themselves spiritually, mentally, physically and most importantly, remove the emotional virus causing the issues.
You first have to go to the core of where these problems lie. You have to work from the root cause, not the symptoms. If you work on the presenting symptoms, you will need a repeat prescription for new symptoms.
If the cause is not unpacked and healed, the unprocessed emotions will grow and become toxic. This person will attract similar situations again and again. They may wonder why they keep having the same experiences with different people. They continue to attract the same emotional pain regardless of who they are dating, living with or married to.
You may be able to help yourself, or your situation may require professional help:
Acknowledge it, feel it and release it!
Journal your thoughts and feelings and work on what comes up
Practice EFT to release pent up emotions
Get a punching bag – shout and punch it out
Work with a relationship coach
The main thing is not to ignore it.
ACKNOWLEDGE IT, FEEL IT & RELEASE IT!
You may have to repeat this, don’t give up. You will start feeling better, lighter and more accessible. You owe it to yourself to travel light in this world. Do not go through life carrying a 7-piece luggage set of your painful past.
When you let go of what’s been hurting you, you become more loving to yourself and others. You can give from a deeper place, and you can enjoy life rather than being one of life’s victims.
A connection at the mental level between a couple will enhance their relationship. Both parties enjoy being together and have a similar outlook on life.
One of the attributes of a successful relationship is to fall in love with each other’s minds. When you have this built-in mutual respect for each other at the mental level and beyond, it builds trust and empowers the couple and the relationship. The couple is drawn to endless intellectual reflections enhanced by spiritual, emotional and physical attraction, but it is their shared love of mindblowing intellectual acrobats that keeps them coming back for more.
The Couple Bubble
When a couple has a strong logical and intuitive connection in their relationship, they are able to connect with each other’s inner voice, they finish each other’s sentences, they don’t have to spell things out. They have this inner knowing, they are in their own unique couple bubble. They are able to co-exist in a harmonious space oblivious of crowds, not paying attention to anyone else. When they are away from each other they crave nothing more than getting together for one of their scrumptious three-course logical adventures.
Having a powerful mental connection with your partner allows you to eliminate mental drama from your love life, the only drama you’ll want to explore is role-playing at the weekend.
You don’t have to be intellectual geniuses to enjoy the powerful mind connection in your relationship. The power is in having a shared mindset and similar core values. You don’t have to be a great conversationalist, but you will have great conversations because you are both coming from your heart. You both share the same long term goals, dreams and desires. Of course, you have your own personal goals which only enhances the mental rapport you both enjoy.
Cognitive proximity is important for relationship longevity, as it means there will be fewer conflicts. When your worldview is not aligned, having different values leads to couples growing apart due to not understanding each other’s mental language.
Couples who share a mind-to-mind rapport have the ability to remain caring and supportive friends long after the honeymoon phase is over because what brought them together remains intact, and becomes even more rewarding and fulfilling as they discover even more mental passions they have in common.
Relationships in the fifth dimension are nurturing, therapeutic, and long-term. Both spirits are evolving. They enable you to bring your best self to the connection, allowing you to be the gift you seek. Your soul family lineage includes your fifth-dimensional companion.
You have a biological family, but you also have a spiritual family that loves and accepts you for who you are. You don’t have to justify yourself, change who you are, or try to fit into someone else’s mould of who they think you should be; it’s a nurturing connection where you let each other be who you are.
There is no need to change yourself, no control, and no soul confinement in the fifth-dimensional connection paradise. This caring setting makes your soul feel at ease.
Relationships in the fifth dimensional vs. the third dimensional
In third-dimensional relationships, the sensation can range from honeymoon bliss to long-term misery. This isn’t because people are cruel; it’s because they haven’t been taught how relationships operate, that they begin on the spiritual plane and come with a wisdom guidebook that explains how to maintain, support, and nurture one another.
Egoic love is third-dimensional love; it’s all about (me) and nothing else (we)
Only the physical aspect of a couple can be seen, which is finite and changeable. Fifth-dimensional souls perceive themselves as powerful spiritual beings who are willing to give their all.
As the ego is self-conscious (not self-aware) and easily offended, ego contact on the third dimension is ephemeral and might go awry. If you and your partner are having problems, you may need to take some time apart to heal. A Relationship Coach or Spiritual Coach can support you in resolving the conflict between the ego and the soul/spirit.
The fifth-dimensional world’s Soul connection is quite different. At the soul level, they’re in sync. Between them, there is a spiritual connection.
They may feel like two bodies sharing one soul, so they are continually thinking about what they can give to their significant other rather than what they can do for themselves. This is referred to be a spiritual connection, in which two people share a common soul experience rather than emotional addiction between two egos hiding behind numerous masks.
Fifth Dimensional Relationships are imaginative, always thinking outside the box, and in command of their human minds. They are completely free to express themselves fully from the soul, as the mind does not come in the way. They are not afraid to speak their truth in love, and since they are connected on a higher frequency, what they say can be received in a way that is both rewarding and nutritious for the soul.
Fifth-dimensional love is all about loving the other as much as you love yourself, but you must first learn to love yourself completely.
Everything else falls into place when you start working from the spiritual realm. You must lay a solid foundation for a loving connection that will last a lifetime. A healthy connection is formed by two complete people.
You’ll stop attracting third-dimensional connections that trigger you and instead start attracting partnerships that enrich your mind, body, and soul. You’ll feel a new intimacy arise between you that you’ve always wanted but never felt in your old third-dimensional relationship structure.
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